Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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