I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
