I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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