chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
