i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
