He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Randomize
