dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
