I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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