she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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