I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
