Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
