I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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