i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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