Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
