Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
