he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
