Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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