for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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