Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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