im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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