i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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