This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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