"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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