god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
