I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
im having a threesome with these popsicles
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
