In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
