life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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