i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Acid is not a monday night drug
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
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