The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
