I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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