I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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