I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
