those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
two words: eviction party
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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