My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
