Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Randomize
