when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
