no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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