no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Randomize
