If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
