Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
