the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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