she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
