Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
