there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
