we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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