I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
