yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
