Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
