whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
