They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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