I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
