A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
